Powerful questions to help you get clarity

Just saw a quote by Einstein which said: 'the important thing is not to stop questioning'

It is important though to ask the right kind of questions though!
Open ones rather than closed ones- i.e: ones that don't just have a yes or no answer.
Also I usually say don't ask questions starting with why, because we often don't know why (especially children) and even knowing why may not solve the issue.

I have noticed that when I am asked: 'why did you ....',  I immediately feel attacked, it feels like I have done something wrong and I need to justify my actions.  Being asked why I left the drawer open again, will just make me respond because I hadn't finished and was going to put the thing back I got out of there. This does not help the person who asked the question feel any better about it, nor does it help me change the behaviour that is obviously irritating the other person. By this time we are both defending our own position and an argument may arise.

If the person asked themselves what is it about the drawer being left open that irritates me, then they might find out they feel it is dangerous. Then they could say they would feel safer and more comfortable if I shut the drawer even if I am coming back later. This then doesn't sound like an attack and I am much more likely to respond favourably to the request.

Questions beginning with where, when, how, what will give you a much better idea of what is going on in the other person.
For example:
how does.. affect... what you do
how often does this occur,
when does such and such. occur,
what makes .....happen.

Here are some questions I ask clients that might help you understand more about what is affecting the way you feel.

When does it happen?
When is it worse?
When is it better?
How long have you felt this?
When did you first experience this?
What is it you would like instead?
Where were you when you first felt that way?
What helped you then?
Can you use that now?
If not then what else could help you?
What might stop you from doing that?
How can you overcome that?

Well I hope that just going through these questions has already helped you and if you want more then let me know, you don't have to struggle on your own, face to face or skype sessions are available, .

Do you want to feel heard!

Do you feel you children, partner, work colleagues, parents are not listening to the advice you are giving them? Here is a helpful article I came across today. If you want even more, then you might want to read Non violent communication by Marshall Rosenberg or watch this interview and more of his videos.    Are You “Should-ing” All Over Everyone? 3 Easy Ways for People to Take On Your Advice “Now, what you should do is…”  “Well, it’s obvious, you should do this, then you should do that and then you should tell them you’ve done it”. Should do.  What you should do and what you want to and actually do are often very different things.  Even if the advice we’ve been given is spot on, the fact that we’ve been told we ‘should’ do it is often the very reason we don’t follow it or take it on.  So if that’s the reaction we have, it’s the reaction that others will have when we ‘should’ all over them.  Hmmm. There’s something innately irritating to be told we should be doing something.  It implies – this is the subtle, savvy part to understand – it implies that we’re not doing something right and that the other person is wiser that we are.  It’s implicit that we’ve missed a trick and they haven’t.  That they know better exactly what will work for us. Grrrrr.  That's the feeling that so often comes up.  Well, in reality, we know best – better than anyone – what works for us and as we all know, making a decision ourselves and then sticking to it is always more powerful than carrying out other people’s advice.  We own the outcome and, as such, are responsible for the result. (Or, in this case, response-able). One of the big pieces of being an influential business woman at work is putting across your ideas, suggestions, or advice and letting the other person decide for themselves how, and/or if, it will work for them.  It then becomes their decision, their action.  This principle applies just as effectively, if not more so, at home with our families and friends!  How many times have you said "Oh, you should just say.." at home and been met with a bored or stoney face? So, how do you get across your idea, suggestion, advice without 'shoulding' all over people by saying “what you should do is” or “I think you should…”? Here are 3 quick and easy ways which work, for you to try out: Start with “I’ve got an idea for you..” – this way you’re putting out that it’s only an idea and it’s for you to contemplate and understand if and how it will work.  By saying “I’ve got” you’re telling the other person “OK, I’m ready with something that I think you’ll want but it’s up to you what you do with it”. Say “Can I make a suggestion here?” – again, you’re putting across that you have something to offer and you want to get their buy-in before you just throw it at them.  9 times out of 10, if you’ve read the situation and your relationship correctly, the other person will say “yes please”.  Think aloud – “hmmm, that’s tricky, now I wonder if…” – you can hear (and feel) that you’re firstly empathising that they have an issue or something tricky going on ie, they’re not an idiot – and saying “I wonder if” is a pensive, non-confrontational way of offering your thought or suggestion. As with all of the 3 ideas above, avoiding the ‘should’ word once you start with these phrases is crucial.  Remember, by offering your thoughts in a less fixed way, you leave the other person open to taking on what you think but without your judgement (intentional or otherwise) behind it. So, can I make a suggestion here? Try these phrases on for size the next time you feel yourself about to say “well, you should” or “oh, it’s obvious, what you should do is…” You’ll notice the difference in how easily the other person's take on what you think and if they ignore you then at least they know you contributed your thoughts. Just like Snowy, my husband does, when it comes to my cooking - they have two choices. Take it. Or leave it. I bet they’ll take it more often than not!

"Article reproduced with permission of Kay White, Savvy & Influential Communication Expert and Mentor at www.kaywhite.com. Kay shows experienced - and often frustrated - business women (and very smart men) how to be heard and understood by accessorising their day-to-day interactions with subtle, influential phrases and words to make people sit up, listen and take action. Kay’s book, The A to Z of Being Understood is an international #1 Bestseller: http://amzn.to/kTJYdX< /a> and helps professionals make their voices heard and their conversations really count." To see any previous issues of this eZine or comment on an article, we're always interested to hear from you. Please go to www.kaywhite.com (you'll find the link to previous eZines on the Blog page, on the right)

Feel great in 15 Minutes!

My friend from Holland sent me this video link in the best wishes to me for 2014.

It so happened, the day I watched it, I was feeling somewhat overwhelmed about the way forward for me.  What happened next surprised me, even with everything I know about the connection between the body and the mind and their powerful interaction. 

Having watched this video, although nothing had changed regarding the tasks I need to to do and still was no clearer about direction, I felt much better. It didn't matter so much that I felt I had lost my way, I was able to be OK with that and patient, waiting for the answer to become clear.

This is why I'm posting this link,  I hope it makes you feel great too whatever might be going on in your life. It's just 15 min long and it can change the whole feel of your day and who knows maybe your life. I hope you enjoy it.

This is what I would love to see hear or feel in everybody.

Watch this 15min video and see how you feel afterwards!
Smiling releases powerful chemicals in the body and it can change your life - see / feel for yourself!

Christmas: 5 tips - have a party with a difference.

You may want to include some of these into your daily life for a more fulfilling and interesting time with friends and family.

1) Share: Avoid wanting to make everything perfect. This just creates stress.  Remember what this is all about, being together, sharing and having fun.

Share what you are grateful for.

2) Change: Change seating places during your meal (between each course for example or for each meal of the day). A new seating arrangement can give a different perspective and type of conversation too.
3) The power of Silence: have 1 course in silence and use all your other senses -sight-smell-taste-feel-listen-touch to enjoy the time. Then, if you fancy you can discuss what you experienced.

4) Communication: - one at a time-every one takes turns in sharing something (may be something that was meaningful for the year or their achievement or something that was fun,  why it is important to them) and everyone else listens till it is their turn rather than everyone butting in with their bit.
-When you speak, you could take more pauses than you usually would and hold some pause for longer than you usually would. Does this help you get your message across better?

5) Games: Have some games that aren’t necessarily about anyone winning, like making the shapes of numbers with your body

  For fifteen more game suggestions then please email me:  subject line: party play.  Please rest assured your details will not be passed on.

If you like these you might want to attend a Body~Mind Coaching workshop contact me, check the events on the website or follow me on Facebook


Have a fabulous time and enjoy your meal.